You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Cry......

I had 'the talk' with an old friend yesterday. The friend that I've most feared talking to, at least as far as religious discussions go. She is a very faithful, devout Mormon, and I respect her deeply held beliefs and the way she goes about living her life. However, she does seem to have a difficult time understanding how anyone could come to a different conclusion regarding religion than she has. In fact, at one point she looked at me as if I'd sprouted another head on my shoulders, right in front of her eyes. It was obvious that she could not accept that I simply do not believe what is so plain and simple to her. Yet, I don't. And we're going to have to agree to disagree.

At one point, I shared a story with her that I hoped would illustrate my awakening, so to speak. Last year, Grace confronted me very pointedly on the Santa myth. She wanted "the truth", and none of this "what do you think?" crap. Her words. I asked her what her friends and classmates had to say on the subject of Santa, to which she replied that most were unbelievers. But she herself still believed in him. I figured that was the end of the discussion, but she still insisted that I tell her the truth. So I did. I cannot knowingly lie to my children when they confront me with a desire to know the truth about anything. I can sometimes dance around it a bit, but when a child becomes as persistent as this one did, it's time to 'fess up. I then told her that I still believe in the magic of Christmas, and talked about my love for the holiday season and everything that goes along with it. And I told her that she would now get to participate in being Santa, to which she asked if she could fill the stockings on Christmas Eve! No, I explained; she would be long asleep by that point. But she could help me play Santa as we shopped throughout the season; wouldn't that be fun? Meh. Not so much, apparently.

A few months later, Grace accompanied Daron and me to Lowe's, where they had already set up their Christmas display. She and I walked through the display, looking at the various lights and decorations, while Daron shopped elsewhere in the store. At one point, she looked up at me wistfully, and said, "I wish you'd never told me the truth about Santa." I felt terrible! And I reminded her that she'd asked for the truth, in fact insisted upon it. She said, "I know, but I wish you'd waited until I was sixteen to tell me!" So I said, "Okay then, let's pretend that I never told you. You can go back to believing in Santa Claus if you want to." Her reply was profound: "Mom, you can't unknow something once you already know it." So true. You can't unring the bell, put the toothpaste back in the tube, put clothes on the Emperor once your eyes have been opened and you've seen his bare bottom.

I shared this story with my friend, hoping to help her understand that there was no going back for me. I can't unknow what I know. She looked at me with pity, and said, "You're right. You can't unknow what you know to be true." And I realized that we were hearing the same story and interpreting it in different ways. She believes that in my heart of hearts, I know the church to be true, and I can't really unknow it, no matter what I may profess to believe. And I know that I can't go back and say that I know something to be true that, for me, is no more true than the myth of Santa Claus. And we may never achieve a meeting of the minds over this issue. I'm okay with that, but I think my friend still struggles. And I am sorry for that. I am sorry that I make her sad. I wish I could make my own path without causing pain to others. But I've learned that we are each responsible for our own feelings, and she is going to have to find a way to accept me for who I am and love me regardless, or be sad and move on. And maybe, this God of hers has put me in her life to help her learn to do just that, accept others who don't see life the same way she does, who don't experience belief the same way she does. To truly love unconditionally.

I am puzzled by the importance believers place upon the idea that all must express religion the same way. Religion can unify in times of trouble, but more often than not it seems to divide. And I don't understand that. I've expressed this idea before, and it continues to be a sticky issue for me. I think religious preference shouldn't be given any more weight than food preferences, or movie genres, or hotdog condiments. I'm not trying to treat the subject lightly, but I truly do not get why it matters so much to others that I don't place the same emphasis on eternal life as they do. And in the long run, it really doesn't matter how I, or anyone, see this issue. What happens when we die will happen regardless of my opinion on the subject, whether I believe in exaltation in a celestial kingdom, or reincarnation as a maple tree, or simply nothing. And I'm not saying at this point which one gets my vote, though I will say that I really really don't want to spend eternity making spirit babies alongside my sister-wives and then being ignored by them (my children) once they get to earth because I'm just too sacred to have my name profaned by them in a fit of anger. But that's a subject for another day.

In the end, I really hope that my friend wants to stay my friend. But she will have to do it with the understanding that I may not change my mind about religion. I may not come back to the fold. Can she love me anyway?