I'd like to bear my 'untestimony' . . .

It has come to my attention that certain family  members see it as their responsibility to testify to my children, and save their souls. Your actions are very upsetting to me, as you can probably imagine, and I feel the need to address that here. I understand that most of my family members read this blog, so it seems like a good place to express my own feelings on the subject.

You say you love them as if they were your own, and your desire to share with them your own testimony of the truthfulness of the church, and the gospel, is motivated by this love. I get that, I truly do. But I would assert that your understanding of what is true stems from your own experiences with the church, and your own studies of its history and doctrine. Trust me when I tell you that my untestimony of the church, and the gospel, have come from extensive studying on my part, and I would like to share with you a very small part of my journey to this point.

If you have read other posts I've written, you are aware of my struggle to obtain a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I never took lightly the admonition to study it out in my mind, then to take it to the Lord in prayer. I spent many, many years in the pursuit of this testimony. I spent much time on my knees, and many hours studying the scriptures and other writings by leaders of the church. There were many times when I thought maybe I had been the beneficiary of enlightenment by the spirit, but, in retrospect, this was my own mind attempting to confirm what my beloved family members already 'knew'. I so much wanted to have what they had, to know as they knew. I begged and pleaded with God, but, in the end, what I got was confirmation that I didn't believe, and that it was okay go with that.

I didn't, and don't, believe that The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints is the one true church on the earth. I don't believe any church, or religious philosophy, deserves that distinction. And the overwhelming feeling of peace I experienced upon that realization confirmed to me, without a shadow of a doubt, that I had arrived at the right conclusion. For me, anyway. I do not attempt to speak for anyone else. Including my children.

Once I realized that I did not believe in the church, I struggled to know where to turn for answers to the questions I had about Mormonism, and religion in general. I received some much needed guidance from another family member, a compelling story of its own, which will need to be addressed another day. Suffice it to say that I was directed to some books that proved invaluable in my search, and I'd like to recommend these same books to you as a source of knowledge about your beloved church's history, and changing doctrine.

Every one of the books I turned to was written by an active, believing member of the church. The majority of these authors were historians, whose only interest was in chronicling the events that transpired in the early days of the church. Mormon history, you must acknowledge, provides some fascinating stories. These stories have much more to offer us than the faith-promoting tidbits we are fed in Sunday School and Seminary. Much of it is inspiring, as it details the courage of a people who wanted to follow the God they worshiped, and who believed that they had found a prophet to lead them in this pursuit. However, there have been many details omitted from the history as presented to the general membership, and these details reveal a history rich in contradiction and human frailty.

We so want to believe that the founder of the church, and his contemporaries, were men of God, inspired and led by God, who were pure in heart, and only sought to do good. This is the picture painted for us by the church. The reality is that they were first and foremost human beings, subject to all the missteps and failings of the rest of humanity. Maybe they were truly seeking God's will, and believed they were receiving it. Maybe they were evil men who desired to take advantage of those who looked to them for spiritual and temporal guidance. More likely they were somewhere in between these two extremes, which, to me, is a much more compelling story.

The first book I was directed to was "Rough Stone Rolling", written by Richard Bushman, who is currently serving as a stake patriarch in the church. This book goes into great detail on the life of Joseph Smith, and has stories that most lay members of the church have never heard. In fact, my own husband (your brother, and a co-descendent of Hyrum Smith) challenged me early on in my studies by asserting that "this is family history, and you can't tell me anything that I don't already know". I took his challenge, and shared with him a few facts I'd learned from Mr. Bushman, such as the fact that Joseph Smith was married to at least 33 wives (a fact that can be documented in the church's own archives); that 11 of those wives were currently still married to another man at the time of their marriage to Joseph; that there is documented evidence of sexual relationships with some of those women; that a few were teenagers, at least one as young as 14; that there were a couple of sets of sisters and one mother/daughter duo; and that he lied to his own legally and lawfully wedded wife, Emma, about the existence of these other marriages. That's just for starters.

Your brother was visibly sick when I told him these facts, and I regretted the direction the conversation had taken. I have no desire to shake anyone else's testimony, especially my beloved husband's, but these are facts that can be verified by the archives of the church. Archives that have been closed, incidentally, to any but a select few historians, hand-picked by the church for their devotion to the mission of the church. The point is, don't tell me that you know more than I do, if you haven't availed yourself of the sources I have read.

The next book I read was "In Sacred Loneliness", written by Todd Compton. This book didn't just solidify my untestimony; it broke my heart. Mr. Compton's book was rich with detail, footnoted with extensive references to other verified church sources. It told the stories of the many wives of Joseph Smith, and the hardships they experienced throughout their lives, much of which can be attributed to their association with the church as plural wives, both of Joseph and other leaders of the church in its early days. Read it and weep. Literally.

From there, I read "Mormon Enigma", a biography of Emma Hale Smith, written by 2 women who were at the time believing, active Mormons. Linda King Newell was an associate professor of history, and Valeen Tippetts Avery was a writer, editor and researcher who had an interest in early Mormon history. These women told Emma's story in such a way that I felt deeply her devotion to her husband, and her pain at what she perceived to be his betrayal, and her desire to continue to follow him as a prophet of God. This was another heartbreaking read for me.

You might guess from the above paragraphs that polygamy was a major trigger point for me, and you would be right. However, there were many other issues that came to light through my reading that were new to me, a lifelong member of the church, and further confirmed my untestimony. In fact, the more I read, the more I became convinced that I'd been deceived. Maybe it was with the best of intentions, and those who attempted to educate and teach me throughout my life were most interested in saving my soul. And, most likely, they were not aware of the true, un-whitewashed version of our history. I believe this is also true for you.

You say that you are motivated by love for my children, and that you want what is best for them. I am also motivated by love for them, and also want what is best for them, but what that 'best' is will most likely always be a source of contention between us. All I ask of you is that you reserve your judgement until you have read and studied the history as I have, and can base your opinions on more than your conviction that what you have is a sure knowledge of the veracity of the church. I know that your testimony is deeply meaningful to you, and you have likely arrived at that testimony through prayer and scripture study. My aim here is not to ask you to question what you believe to be true, but to simply walk in my shoes, read what I have read, consider what I have considered, and give me the same respect I have afforded you.

After all, I have not seen fit to bear my untestimony to your children, nieces I love as if they were my own daughters. And I only want what is best for them, motivated by love. Same as you.